...and I'm not just waking up. What this usually (always) implies is that I've been up all night, thinking way too much. I did a little reading, interrupting Tolstoy's Anna Karenina with Kerouac's Big Sur, a much faster read (about 700 pages less, give or take), and of course, it didn't help the situation.
There was a quiet tonight, after work, after the ride down Valencia, back to the apartment, a peculiar quiet, an awfully awful familiar feeling. The kind that can be directed into an artistic breakthrough or a nervous breakdown; a moment that can last a minute or a month, depending on how you embrace it. My creative channels have been lacking somewhat as of late, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that I just gave up on writing, and for some time now. Usually, reading gets me back into writing, but I don't have a computer, and if I don't get started right away, I'll lose all inspiration gained, and have to start again from scratch. And I can't face myself enough to write in a real journal, so I have to write to an audience. It keeps me from divulging too much.
That said, I'm rethinking writing a book on the bike trip. I had made up my mind to let it be what it is, a memory for myself; a not-so-picturesque but certainly not regretted experience; an introspective journey more than a journey of physical distance; a pure and raw look at myself, and at life and what really makes it up; a new understanding of distance and dynamics; achieving equilibrium. Mostly, I wanted to let the bitterness fade, so only the sweet memories remain. However, my mind doesn't retain good memories all that well, so for the sake of encapsulating all the good things I experienced, I feel it may be my duty to write it all down. We'll see, though.
I need to sleep now.
11.23.2009
Briefly
Hey all, I know it has been way, way too long. I don't have a computer right now, and when I do have access, this is usually the last thing I think to update. Sorry.
I now officially live in San Francisco, after 60 days on a bicycle; 3,700 miles of adventure and self-exploration. I'm staying on Mission Street at Valencia, for those of you who have to know or would benefit in some way from the information...which is no one.
It has been a hell of a journey thus far, though I feel it is only beginning. I'm in a place so loaded with shit to do, people to meet, and things to see, that I'm oftentimes overwhelmed and just settle for sitting around, playing guitar, which is still badass. Making friends and connections is a slow, painstaking process, but I'm getting there. The time on the bike took from me being hella talkative to assuming the role of the introspective, somewhat quiet guy. It's a tough transition, and I'm hoping to find a better balance between the introvert and extrovert in the near future.
I got a job in retail, Karl's working at Starbucks, so we're at least up on our feet. Believe it or not, we haven't yet killed one another, despite coming awfully close a number of times throughout the tour. That's pretty much all I have on the status of our California situation. I've been a little under the weather since we hit the coast, culminating throughout last week, and now that I'm feeling a bit better, I plan on working on some new music and setting up some shows.
I'll post something here soon, probably whenever I get a computer of my own, which could be in a month or two. I'll hopefully resume regular blogging at that time, with some more thought behind it. You know, like the old days.
I now officially live in San Francisco, after 60 days on a bicycle; 3,700 miles of adventure and self-exploration. I'm staying on Mission Street at Valencia, for those of you who have to know or would benefit in some way from the information...which is no one.
It has been a hell of a journey thus far, though I feel it is only beginning. I'm in a place so loaded with shit to do, people to meet, and things to see, that I'm oftentimes overwhelmed and just settle for sitting around, playing guitar, which is still badass. Making friends and connections is a slow, painstaking process, but I'm getting there. The time on the bike took from me being hella talkative to assuming the role of the introspective, somewhat quiet guy. It's a tough transition, and I'm hoping to find a better balance between the introvert and extrovert in the near future.
I got a job in retail, Karl's working at Starbucks, so we're at least up on our feet. Believe it or not, we haven't yet killed one another, despite coming awfully close a number of times throughout the tour. That's pretty much all I have on the status of our California situation. I've been a little under the weather since we hit the coast, culminating throughout last week, and now that I'm feeling a bit better, I plan on working on some new music and setting up some shows.
I'll post something here soon, probably whenever I get a computer of my own, which could be in a month or two. I'll hopefully resume regular blogging at that time, with some more thought behind it. You know, like the old days.
8.14.2009
Free EP, News
Alright, here's the story: I'm currently on a bicycle ride across the USA. I'm in the process of a move from the Akron area to the San Francisco bay area. Follow these links:
KTtourUSA.tumblr.com for the trip
mediafire.com/?gamyyejoone and that is the new EP
Love ya
T.Mo
KTtourUSA.tumblr.com for the trip
mediafire.com/?gamyyejoone and that is the new EP
Love ya
T.Mo
7.11.2009
For the sake of keeping this thing somewhat current:
I'll be launching a blog for the bicycle tour Karl and I are doing (Akron to San Fran) in the next few days. Check back.
a song about riding bikes from Todd Moore on Vimeo.
"Smooth Sailing," another original song from Todd Moore on Vimeo.
I'll be launching a blog for the bicycle tour Karl and I are doing (Akron to San Fran) in the next few days. Check back.
5.03.2009
conversation, revelation, committing Self to resignation
It's tough to start writing about something with so many facets as this. It's tough to say things at all when the time for words has passed. Some things, they're just tough.
It takes a breath of old air to awaken new lungs, I know this, and it's been proven once again. Sometimes I find myself in this purgatory between fact and fiction, between now and then, between prose and poetry, between myself and my ghost. I'm not trying to be obscure; I'm trying not to cross lines.
Sometimes, you don't want a conversation to end. With some people, it never does, even in silence, greater than distance, greater than time. I wish certain things, with certain people, were different. It's hard for me to avoid the point, but I have to, because I have to.
I'd like to think I'm a boundary-crosser, but I know the consequences my words can bring, and I've seen some damage I've done in the past. I'd like to say I'll speak my mind about anything, but I have the most incredible secrets that I crave to tell but never will. I know things that would destroy the people I love. It amazes me, the pain love can bring. I don't cross any bridges I can't cross again.
It amazes me, the misery that the potential for joy brings. When the evening hours are heavy upon us, and all things begin to feel poetic, on those unbearably perfect nights, it is so crippling a moment, when you must slice the throat of romance-- at its very conception.
So I catch myself caught in frivolous things. Of this, I am very much aware. It is all I can I do when what I want is there, but not there.
It takes a breath of old air to awaken new lungs, I know this, and it's been proven once again. Sometimes I find myself in this purgatory between fact and fiction, between now and then, between prose and poetry, between myself and my ghost. I'm not trying to be obscure; I'm trying not to cross lines.
Sometimes, you don't want a conversation to end. With some people, it never does, even in silence, greater than distance, greater than time. I wish certain things, with certain people, were different. It's hard for me to avoid the point, but I have to, because I have to.
I'd like to think I'm a boundary-crosser, but I know the consequences my words can bring, and I've seen some damage I've done in the past. I'd like to say I'll speak my mind about anything, but I have the most incredible secrets that I crave to tell but never will. I know things that would destroy the people I love. It amazes me, the pain love can bring. I don't cross any bridges I can't cross again.
It amazes me, the misery that the potential for joy brings. When the evening hours are heavy upon us, and all things begin to feel poetic, on those unbearably perfect nights, it is so crippling a moment, when you must slice the throat of romance-- at its very conception.
So I catch myself caught in frivolous things. Of this, I am very much aware. It is all I can I do when what I want is there, but not there.
5.01.2009
7 AM, still awake, again.
Man, am I depressed? I'm really fucking depressed. I've felt shitty for a good 60-70% of my waking life, but this is just really digging into me. I can't figure out what the problem is either-- which is depressing. It's not because I'm leaving, I don't even think it's because I work an awful job, or that I'm broke and I have a lot of equipment left to buy for the ride. I've just felt like shit for the past few days, every time I find myself alone, and most of the time in the company of others. On the bike, I feel alright, but it's been raining a lot the past few days, and I've been sleeping even more than usual. I slept at least 16 hours each day for the past two days, my only two days off. In fact, I only bothered to get out of bed because someone called me and told me it was time to get rolling.
I took some Valium this week, twice. I had absolutely no desire to take it. I just had it. I hadn't taken so much as an aspirin since 17. That's five years. I've been feeling this way (fucking retarded and sad) persistently, and it seems totally unrelated to the supposedly major changes going on in my life. This is a for-real emptiness, like I was between age 19 and age 21.5, except worse. More sickening, harder to break free of, even temporarily.
To make matters worse, I downloaded the Talons' discography from barkandhiss, and spent a good two hours just reading the lyrics. I picked up the guitar, I played for an hour. Really depressing stuff, the kind of stuff I always play at five AM. When I'm not singing, just focusing on the guitars, I can fuck myself up emotionally. Obviously, it's worse when I'm already fucked-up. Especially the Washburn, with the missing f# string. It's a little more hopeful kind of sadness, I guess.
One part of the lyrics .pdf that got me thinking, and really got me shitty, was an explanatory note for the song "Nicole", in which he showcased a shared sentiment of mine. I'll just copy what he said:
"...the end is about how all the people that want to change things move to New York or Portland when the places that really need them are places like Akron or Cleveland."
The lyric goes: "Truth is, I hate it here, but I kinda feel like this is where I ought to be."
I have believed the same for many years. This hasty exit doesn't come without some remorse, and though I've been consciously aware of it, I wonder if maybe it's having an effect on me from a subconscious level? Essentially, though I'm "starting anew" with a "clean slate" and all that bullshit, I'm also boldly declaring, "I have failed in every major attempt. I have failed to make myself happy with what I have, I have failed to make something great with the wealth of ability I possess. I have failed my community, my friends and family, and, most importantly, I have failed myself--miserably. I have not made myself into a lovable person."
I'm going out on a limb here. I'm giving myself a month on a bike, away from everything and everyone. Camping, crashing on couches, whatever. Can I take the good scraps from the person I've been throughout the years, and piece them together, using newness as the glue, and make a man out of the mess? I have very much been a disgrace, is this change of scenery going to change that?
Sure, I won't be fighting so much against the current. I can ride my bike everywhere, go out to vegan restaurants, etc. Will I be able to form strong and lasting friendships? All the ones I've formed thus far have been born out of a shared misery, or out of not having anyone to play guitars with. I rarely speak with and almost never speak with those friends who have meant the most in the past. There's still Chris, but there's not much left to say. We're broken records, and we don't have to speak to "get it." Korey's the same way, Tanner's the same way. Once you're all on the same page, it's all details. There's no more speaking to do, no more thinking or even feeling to do. The only think left is action; swift, uncompromising action.
I took some Valium this week, twice. I had absolutely no desire to take it. I just had it. I hadn't taken so much as an aspirin since 17. That's five years. I've been feeling this way (fucking retarded and sad) persistently, and it seems totally unrelated to the supposedly major changes going on in my life. This is a for-real emptiness, like I was between age 19 and age 21.5, except worse. More sickening, harder to break free of, even temporarily.
To make matters worse, I downloaded the Talons' discography from barkandhiss, and spent a good two hours just reading the lyrics. I picked up the guitar, I played for an hour. Really depressing stuff, the kind of stuff I always play at five AM. When I'm not singing, just focusing on the guitars, I can fuck myself up emotionally. Obviously, it's worse when I'm already fucked-up. Especially the Washburn, with the missing f# string. It's a little more hopeful kind of sadness, I guess.
One part of the lyrics .pdf that got me thinking, and really got me shitty, was an explanatory note for the song "Nicole", in which he showcased a shared sentiment of mine. I'll just copy what he said:
"...the end is about how all the people that want to change things move to New York or Portland when the places that really need them are places like Akron or Cleveland."
The lyric goes: "Truth is, I hate it here, but I kinda feel like this is where I ought to be."
I have believed the same for many years. This hasty exit doesn't come without some remorse, and though I've been consciously aware of it, I wonder if maybe it's having an effect on me from a subconscious level? Essentially, though I'm "starting anew" with a "clean slate" and all that bullshit, I'm also boldly declaring, "I have failed in every major attempt. I have failed to make myself happy with what I have, I have failed to make something great with the wealth of ability I possess. I have failed my community, my friends and family, and, most importantly, I have failed myself--miserably. I have not made myself into a lovable person."
I'm going out on a limb here. I'm giving myself a month on a bike, away from everything and everyone. Camping, crashing on couches, whatever. Can I take the good scraps from the person I've been throughout the years, and piece them together, using newness as the glue, and make a man out of the mess? I have very much been a disgrace, is this change of scenery going to change that?
Sure, I won't be fighting so much against the current. I can ride my bike everywhere, go out to vegan restaurants, etc. Will I be able to form strong and lasting friendships? All the ones I've formed thus far have been born out of a shared misery, or out of not having anyone to play guitars with. I rarely speak with and almost never speak with those friends who have meant the most in the past. There's still Chris, but there's not much left to say. We're broken records, and we don't have to speak to "get it." Korey's the same way, Tanner's the same way. Once you're all on the same page, it's all details. There's no more speaking to do, no more thinking or even feeling to do. The only think left is action; swift, uncompromising action.
4.27.2009
A short one tonight
Things have been insane lately. So much preparation, so much thought and research and work and cycling and music-making and chaos...life is hectic. Here's what I'm up to:
1. For those of you who know not yet, I am moving to San Francisco at the end of the summer, with Karl Vorndran. No, I'm not gay. He's pretty straight, too, I guess. That aside, we've decided to ride our bicycles from here (Kent/Akron/Ravenna/whatever) all the way to the fabled land known as California, with hopes at living a life closer to our ideals, with emphasis on Veganism, exclusively human-powered transportation (bikes), and hopefully some sort of musical endeavour. We don't have a plan as to where we're going to live or work, but we're confident in our ingenuity enough to risk it. What risk is it, really? I live at home and am still broke, with very little prospect of getting out of this situation anytime soon. I've tried bands with several folks but for one reason or another, they always fall through. There aren't that many talented individuals left, and my patience is wholly expired.
2. I'm recording an EP/LP with Ben Cureton producing, currently. We'll see how it goes, but I don't want to leave without putting SOMETHING decent out. We're going to try full instrumentation, though it may end up acoustic. Either is fine with me. I like drums a lot, though.
3. So I'm working as much as I can, but still barely bringing in cash enough to scrape by. Work is the murderer of youth and vigor. I've been doing OK at the card tables, but I've had a rough week. It happens, people get really fucking lucky sometimes. It just doesn't normally happen so many times in a row. What goes around comes around, though. I'm sure I'll hit a hot streak before too long and start bringing home the veggie bacon. That was a good one.
4. Karl and I will be launching a website/blog to monitor our progress throughout the trip. We'll be uploading pictures and blogs at the end of each of our rides/days, courtesy of my Blackberry. I will be sure to link you all up as soon as possible. If anyone has any ideas on how we can raise money to eat/buy equipment for the trip, please let one of us know. We would like to have a little money to help start a life in an area with a severely over-inflated economy, else we may be fucked.
I've slept three hours in the last three days, and worked 24 of the last 36 hours, so I'm going to call it a night after binging on these peanuts.
Hit me up, I won't be around much longer. Bike rides and jam sessions preferred; walks in the parks, eating at Aladdin's, and the occasional party/bar night also welcome ideas. Or anything, really.
T.
1. For those of you who know not yet, I am moving to San Francisco at the end of the summer, with Karl Vorndran. No, I'm not gay. He's pretty straight, too, I guess. That aside, we've decided to ride our bicycles from here (Kent/Akron/Ravenna/whatever) all the way to the fabled land known as California, with hopes at living a life closer to our ideals, with emphasis on Veganism, exclusively human-powered transportation (bikes), and hopefully some sort of musical endeavour. We don't have a plan as to where we're going to live or work, but we're confident in our ingenuity enough to risk it. What risk is it, really? I live at home and am still broke, with very little prospect of getting out of this situation anytime soon. I've tried bands with several folks but for one reason or another, they always fall through. There aren't that many talented individuals left, and my patience is wholly expired.
2. I'm recording an EP/LP with Ben Cureton producing, currently. We'll see how it goes, but I don't want to leave without putting SOMETHING decent out. We're going to try full instrumentation, though it may end up acoustic. Either is fine with me. I like drums a lot, though.
3. So I'm working as much as I can, but still barely bringing in cash enough to scrape by. Work is the murderer of youth and vigor. I've been doing OK at the card tables, but I've had a rough week. It happens, people get really fucking lucky sometimes. It just doesn't normally happen so many times in a row. What goes around comes around, though. I'm sure I'll hit a hot streak before too long and start bringing home the veggie bacon. That was a good one.
4. Karl and I will be launching a website/blog to monitor our progress throughout the trip. We'll be uploading pictures and blogs at the end of each of our rides/days, courtesy of my Blackberry. I will be sure to link you all up as soon as possible. If anyone has any ideas on how we can raise money to eat/buy equipment for the trip, please let one of us know. We would like to have a little money to help start a life in an area with a severely over-inflated economy, else we may be fucked.
I've slept three hours in the last three days, and worked 24 of the last 36 hours, so I'm going to call it a night after binging on these peanuts.
Hit me up, I won't be around much longer. Bike rides and jam sessions preferred; walks in the parks, eating at Aladdin's, and the occasional party/bar night also welcome ideas. Or anything, really.
T.
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